Since 2007, life has been more about change than not.
I had my fourth, my prayed for, much wanted pregnancy.
It was difficult and I was on bed rest for a long time.
I had my daughter, Lila and it was a rough sort of birth.
Less than a year later, my husband and I separated.
I made some questionable judgement calls. (Divorce will mess you up.)
I got divorced.
I got a job at Chick-fil-A.
I met John.
I got married.
I stopped working and started stay at home mom-ing.
I had a custody battle.
I lost the custody battle.
I had a daughter, Claire.
I left my church of twelve years and some change.
So much Big Life Stuff…all in less than five years. I was thinking about things today, since, as you know, I’ve been dancing with depression for a couple of weeks now. That’s a lot and it isn’t any wonder I’m tired.
My soul feels raw, like a burn when it’s healing. It’s itching, it’s peeling, it’s red and irritated and it doesn’t look so great…but it’s healing. I feel fragile, I feel exposed. But it’s not a bad way to be.
Because when you’ve reached the end of your own endurance and really, really surrendered to the One who holds all Big Life Things, then you’re so much more spiritually aware.
I find myself wincing at my own negativity, taking my thoughts captive and turning them around. I find myself tearing up over my gratitude journal, feeling every grace in its fullness. I watch my baby clap her hands and dance to the Veggie Tales and my heart is full. I listen to Lila singing, “You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.” and I feel those lyrics with her, knowing they are true. How much did I miss when everything was okay and I was just cruising through the day? Did I stop and really live in these moments?
He really does use suffering…which is such a strong word, anyway. He really does use trial and trouble to bring us closer to Him.
The title of this blog today comes from Laura Hackett’s song, “Beautiful Mercy”. It’s linked above, give it a listen.