You Brought Me to the Wilderness, So I Could Learn To Sing

Since 2007, life has been more about change than not.

I had my fourth, my prayed for, much wanted pregnancy.

It was difficult and I was on bed rest for a long time.

I had my daughter, Lila and it was a rough sort of birth.

Less than a year later, my husband and I separated.

I made some questionable judgement calls.  (Divorce will mess you up.)

I got divorced.

I got a job at Chick-fil-A.

I met John.

I got married.

We moved.

I stopped working and started stay at home mom-ing.

I had a custody battle.

I lost the custody battle.

I had a daughter, Claire.

I left my church of twelve years and some change.

So much Big Life Stuff…all in less than five years.  I was thinking about things today, since, as you know, I’ve been dancing with depression for a couple of weeks now.  That’s a lot and it isn’t any wonder I’m tired.

My soul feels raw, like a burn when it’s healing.  It’s itching, it’s peeling, it’s red and irritated and it doesn’t look so great…but it’s healing.  I feel fragile, I feel exposed.  But it’s not a bad way to be.

Because when you’ve reached the end of your own endurance and really, really surrendered to the One who holds all Big Life Things, then you’re so much more spiritually aware.

I find myself wincing at my own negativity, taking my thoughts captive and turning them around.  I find myself tearing up over my gratitude journal, feeling every grace in its fullness.  I watch my baby clap her hands and dance to the Veggie Tales and my heart is full.  I listen to Lila singing, “You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.” and I feel those lyrics with her, knowing they are true.  How much did I miss when everything was okay and I was just cruising through the day?  Did I stop and really live in these moments?

He really does use suffering…which is such a strong word, anyway.  He really does use trial and trouble to bring us closer to Him.

Laura Hackett’s “Beautiful Mercy”

The title of this blog today comes from Laura Hackett’s song, “Beautiful Mercy”.  It’s linked above, give it a listen.



4 thoughts on “You Brought Me to the Wilderness, So I Could Learn To Sing

  1. Chris, this is such a beautiful blog! I am really impressed with how well you write! I too really need to take a break from Facebook. I love it for so many reasons, however, I must keep a tight leash on myself as to the time I spend on there!
    You have always had a wise and wonderful head on your shoulders, and I am so proud to call you my friend.
    Much love

  2. Sweetie, relationships and family are so very challenging. Having and developing a family is more difficult now then it ever has been.
    When I began going through my divorce….at first I was calm and level headed, but at some point in time, I became a train wreck. I made bad decisions, continuiously. Thank goodness, I had some very wise and supportive friends surrounding me, as well as my parents. Thankfully I came through that time, a better person. I had more compassion and understanding for people, and an insight into how important your faith is not only to yourself, but to your children. Children learn by example, and when they see you relying on Jesus Christ they will follow your lead. Mothers are teachers 24/7.
    My pastor at that time Lynn??? met me for breakfast,and gave me some very wise words…He said “God does not hate divorced people.” and he continued with “God hates what divorce does to people and families.” This is so true.
    My heart is with you sweet friend, and yes all of the events that you listed are exhausting….and to have so many life changes tends to “exhaust” us in many ways. Put yourself in time out…take a nap, take a walk, and know that you are loved by so many.
    If you ever need me, I am only a phone call away!

    1. Yes, identifying as a divorced Christian woman has been a tough one. I’m so thankful for the lessons I learned at that time and I’m so grateful for the marriage I have today. I think I appreciate my marriage now because of all I’ve been through. And I always say, “Children are the ones who pay for divorce.”
      Love you, Tibby!

  3. beautiful girl, you lived a long time thinking your life would be a certain way forever. Life took a dramatic turn, that you were not excepting or ready for. And you survived! Of course it makes perfect sense to me that now of all times in your life depression hits. Because now you are safe enough to feel it. Now because you can see your blessings and fruit of your survival, and know how powerful you really were. You go ahead and breath, you cry, you scream. You feel sad and morn the life you thought you were going to live, not because you are ungrateful for what you have now, but BECAUSE of what you have now. Your wonderful husband and beautiful children are living proof of God’s grace, mercy and redemption. Now is your time to heal. I love you!

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