The silence of this house is settling all around and I wish I was the sort of person who fell asleep easily and in odd places. But I’m the sort of person who needs to be in her own bed, with the fans blowing and that’s all there is to that. I sip my coffee and stare at this blank page, this blank text box.
No inspiration comes and I wonder if maybe I’ve written all the posts I have in me?
This past week, whenever I’ve sat down to write, something inside me reminds me of my failures. Failures as an awkward, immature teen. Failures as a young woman, failures in the recent past. I find I am plagued and thinking ill of me. I’ve spent many a morning staring at this blank screen…waiting for the words to come….secretly believing that I have no good words to offer and that the well has run dry.
I just see this lifetime of sin and not loving well and know that I have to do better…but why all these memories? Why now? Why feel the sting of rejection, failure, inadequacy, judgement, ugliness again now? I know that there is no condemnation in Him. (Romans 8:1) And I know it hasn’t come from Him. I know it doesn’t come from Him. Not now, not then, not ever.
He remembers my sin no more. (Hebrews 8:12)
Why can’t I be that way too?
I’ve spent a lot of years trying to become comfortable in my own skin and I’m better now than I was before. But still I struggle. Overthinking, worrying, analyzing my words and deeds. It’s easy for me to convince myself that I have nothing good to offer. But I know this isn’t true.
Each one has his own gifts from God. I have my own gifts from God. And I am one He died for.
Discouragement let herself in the back door and whispered these things to me. Whispered my failures, my inadequacies and my mistakes. She is so sneaky. She is the one who’s been saying that I have nothing of value to offer. She is the one who points to my life’s work and only can see the bad. She can’t see the good because there is no good in her.
But I know Truth. Truth will set you free.
The Truth is, I am redeemed. I am made in His image. I have good gifts to offer. Good for the kingdom. And the Truth is that I will see His goodness in the land of the living and I will spend eternity with Him.
This morning, I see all of that so clearly. I see how Discouragement has tricked me and twisted my life story to suit her purposes. I reject what she offers and instead, I choose thankfulness…I choose meditation of Scripture…I choose the peace of Christ. I am grateful for this quiet morning and sleeping house. I am grateful for the memories of all my sin and failures…becuase I can see God in them. I can see how He picked me up and turned me around. I can see how He healed me in the aftermath. I can see how far I’ve come, how far I still have to come, yes…but how far I’ve come.
In this house of glorious chaos, the silence is blessed. It’s rare. It’s a moment to look into the face of God and see myself. To know that He loves me deep and full like no other.
To know that He remembers my sin no more, but is capable of healing the damage it left behind. He is the one who brings restoration.