A Rollercoaster

I know you haven’t heard from me much lately.

It’s because I’ve had a secret burning inside of me and it was hard for me to write without sharing it!  But now, the news is public and so I can blog about this crazy last couple of weeks!

It began on May 20th.  Everyone knows that we’d been hoping for a new baby for quite a while.  I had a miscarriage late last summer, right at the beginning of the school year and hadn’t gotten pregnant since.  Even with charting and timing and wishing and praying…seven months had gone by and it was just not happening.  In the month of May, we decided to quit trying for the summer and worry about it later…just to take a break.  I told the Lord, “I’m laying this down.” and it was not without cost to my heart.

But on May 20th, I felt carsick all the way home from the Outer Banks.  Just felt yucky and tired and nauseated.  I mentally counted days, realizing that though it was early, I could test positive if I was pregnant.  Which is exactly what happened.

So…now after all these months, once I surrendered it all to God, I turn up pregnant.

I kept it close, a secret I held in my heart, I pondered it, I prayed over it.

And on June 6, I had a doctor’s appointment.  The doctor performed an ultrasound and here is what she found:  two gestational sacs, one teeny tiny baby with no heartbeat and two yolk sacs.  Limbo time.  Would I be having one baby in January?  Two babies in January?  No babies in January?

I said it again.  “I’m laying this down.”  I felt worry, I’m not going to lie.  I had concern…stress dreams and preoccupation with the possibilities…I felt excitement and dread and sadness and happiness and everything you can think of.  But I felt a peace, covering it all.  “I’m laying this down,”  I said to God over and over.  (Because the action had to be repeated.)  “I am thankful for every day I have these two babies in my womb.  I am thankful for their eternal significance.”

And then I began to bleed.  It started the same day as the appointment and I vacillated between believing God for life and wholeness for both babies to acceptance that I would only see them in heaven.

The bleeding eased as the days went on and I had another appointment on June 13.

“I’m laying this down.”  I said to Him.  “I’m thanking you for these two babies whether I get to see them or not.”  But I felt a peace, I really did.  An odd, all encompassing peace that covered every possibility.  I was not without concern, but always with peace.

The ultrasound technician laughed as she showed me two strong heartbeats.  Two healthy, tiny little gummy bear babies.  Fearfully and wonderfully made.  Two little souls filled with purpose and promise.  Two gifts with eternal significance.

What a joy and a relief to see those two teeny tiny little hearts just beating away.

I was over the moon and assuming the scary stuff had mostly passed.

Then, it was yesterday and I was going to get a pedicure with my sister and Michelle.  I got out of the car at the pedicure place and…this is not for the faint of heart…felt a gush of blood.  I looked down to see it coming down my leg.

I called the doctor, she said to come in at 3:00.

I said to the Lord, “I’m laying this down.  I’m trusting you with what’s best and I’m grateful for every moment I have had or will have with these two babies.”  I was troubled…but there was that peace again.  He was with me and the truth is…He loves me.  He loves my babies.  He knows more about them than I do.  And even if I lost them right then and there…He would still be God and He would still be Good.  Because He can’t change who He is.

The doctor immediately found those two little heartbeats again.  Two babies safe and healthy, fixed on the business of growing into themselves.

Dr. Curtis said, “Two hearts beating…”

And John said, “And now my heart can start again…”

She found the source of the bleed and it’s just one of those things.  We watch and we wait.  It’s called a subchorionic hematoma and it’s fairly common…especially with twins.  It’s no more than a very minor threat to the pregnancy.  I must rest, really rest…no really, really rest.  I am off my feet and housebound for a while.  I must rest and let my body handle the bleed.

I am planning on welcoming twins in January.  Will you pray for them?  Will you pray for me?  Will you help us come up with a second boy name?  We’ve got two girls named.  We’ve got boy/girl named.  But not two boys!

Here is what God has taught me in this.  That the fear of the Lord erases all other fears.  Believing and recognizing His sovereignty, power and authorship is the key to sacrifice.  I was able to lay this all down before Him…because He knows the plans He has for me.  He knows the plans He has for both babies.  He knows the plans, His plans are best…whether we can see that or not.  He is trustworthy and He is quick to answer my plea for help.

I will, I’m sure, continuously lay this down and I will, every day, say that I am thankful, thankful, thankful for every moment I have with these two babies.

He is Good.  He can be trusted.  Even when troubles come, even when life is scary, He is God.

Psalm 34

I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make its boast in the Lord;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel[a] of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.

No one who puts His trust in the Lord shall ever be put to shame.

So tell me- what would you name a boy of ours?  What experiences have you had that led you to surrender?

8 thoughts on “A Rollercoaster

  1. Asher: “blessed, happy”; the 8th son of Jacob and promised a life blessed with abundance. Don’t know how it rolls with the other ones, but I’ve always liked it.

    You left nothing unsaid for a comment. But I take comfort that nothing is a crisis to God, He has everything perfectly held in His hands, including your little babies. He gives abundantly, period. So what “ending” we can’t see now, what feels scary now, what looks like loss to us (i.e. your past miscarriage), what looks like hope, what looks like the unknown…is all KNOWN to Him and He can be trusted to keep His promises. I see Him holding your heart, Chris, like a treasure box, holding it close to His chest and delighting in it and guarding it and holding it precious. I’m so thankful that what we struggle with (fears, doubts, lies, sadness, incomplete picture) doesn’t thwart His perfect plans or His love for us. He is FAITHFUL!!! And I love you. 🙂

    1. I really love Asher! But…it ends in “er” just like Carter. I love the meaning, love the name, love it all.

      Yes, I love that very true fact- nothing is a crisis to God. Nothing is an emergency to Him.

  2. Because I am almost POSITIVE I know what your one boy name is, that is what I was comparing these to. I was thinking David, because he wrote the psalm ” I am fearfully and wonderfully made” which would be so true of these 2 babies or I also love Oliver and found this definition to be fitting to you all ” Biblical: the olive tree is a symbol of fruitfulness, beauty, and dignity. Today “extending an olive branch” traditionally signifies an offer of peace.” 🙂 Just my 2 cents!

  3. I love Asa. I Kings 15:14, states that Asa’s heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life. And it’s similar to Asher. : )

  4. Chris, I am partial to the name Andrew, which means warrior and strength. I too prayed to God for a child and had to lay it down at the feet of God. In His perfect time, He made Andrew for me and Charlie. So I know what it is like to pray without ceasing for that special child who is fearfully and wonderfully made. Praying for you and those precious babies! Diane Tucker

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