The thing about grief is that it’s unpredictable. It’s immeasurable. You can’t spend a few days working on it, cross it off your list and go on. No, it comes and goes and there will be a measure of it that is always, always there.
Of course, I don’t expect this grief to have abated much, here at only four days in…but that doesn’t mean I like it.
Mostly, I just want Baby B back and I am sad.
I’m thinking a lot about Baby A and his/her story and how we’ll tell it, how we’ll write it in his/her baby book. How we’ll place the ultrasound photo of the two of them in a scrapbook because that photo is all we have to remember Baby B…Asher…by. But Baby A’s story can’t be told without Baby B’s…
And of course, all of that is if Baby A makes it through this scary pregnancy.
One day at a time.
We have to just take it one day at a time. And as we’ve been doing all along, we have to lay it down.
The loss of Baby B is my fourth loss. There was one between Julia and Aubrey, there was one right after Lila, there was one last summer and now Asher. I think about those four in heaven and wonder what it’s like for babies that never breathe life on earth. Do they start as a baby and grow up? I kind of think they do…because Jesus loved little children so much.
I wonder too if there isn’t some specific purpose for little ones who go to heaven before they are born…little ones who go to heaven before they get to grow up. I think of my four babies in heaven, my sister’s babies in heaven, my mother’s babies in heaven…and I think too of children I know who died still young- like Carter and like Caris. I know that each of these was created for a purpose, for God’s own pleasure and I have no doubt of their eternal significance…but I wonder if there’s more. If there’s some heavenly role they fulfill and that when we get to heaven we’ll say, “Ohhhhh….” and we’ll finally understand why these things have to happen. It’s so hard to understand in our limited human experience.
So many mysteries. And we have to just surrender to them all. Because God is not magic Genie God who just waves a magic wand and makes everything come out the way we want it to. He has to make all the puzzle pieces fit for the whole, eternal story and yes, yes, yes, He does everything through a filter of love. That truth doesn’t change just because we are disappointed.
I am so disappointed. John is so disappointed. Asher’s siblings are so disappointed. But we stand on who God is and we stand on His faithfulness…because if we can’t stand on that….what do we have?
One day at a time, we lay it down. One day at a time, we trust in His faithfulness. One day at a time, we believe in His miracles. One day at a time, we rest in His love.
One day at a time, we grieve…and He stands with us through it all.