Grace For Today

Do you ever have the sense that you’re just waiting for something to happen?

I am thinking about all the times in my life where I thought, “If only I could lose twenty pounds.”  or “If only I could have another baby.”  or “If only I could move to a different house.”  Or the even bigger things, career things and marriage things and Big Life Stuff things.

We’re praying about some Big Life Stuff right now.  Nothing earth shattering.  Nothing to be alarmed about, but the direction our live is going, the shape it’ll be taking in the next five years.  We’re looking ahead and trying to plan some and I keep feeling this unease.  What if we plan too much for the future and we miss out on the now?

Remember Professor Snape?  He spent his whole life wishing for this one thing and it never happened.

I know, I know, he’s not real, but it still illustrates my point.  Sometimes, I think we run the risk of looking too far ahead and forgetting to be in the now.

Right now, today, I have five children that need things from me.  Some more than others, some much less.  I have a husband who needs support as he gears up for the school year.  I have a household that needs to be run.  Meals to plan and cook, places to scrub, laundry to fold.  I have a me to tend to.  My gray hair is out of control!  I need to nurture my soul and take care of my body.  And while I’m taking care of me, I’m also taking care of the new life that’s growing.

The school year is beginning and a lot of things will be changing this year.  Lila is off to kindergarten and Aubrey begins her senior year.  John will no longer be around in the day time and very little in the evening.  It’s all an adjustment.

I’m up and about and doing my usual routine but my usual routine has changed and will be changing and I’m having a hard time keeping up.

And in all of this…my spiritual self, my soul is thirsty.  It is hungry.  It needs to be nurtured too.  And I think maybe the busyness and hecticness of my crazy life has gotten in the way.  I stop and take a breath and ask for His Presence.

So…yes, we plan for the future.  Yes, we ask the Lord about what is to come in the next few years.  But we also ask Him about today and tomorrow and the next half an hour.  We ask Him what do we do with today.  We ask Him for grace for today.

It’s A….

Today meant another visit to EVMS for an ultrasound to check on the baby’s growth, the hemorrhage, the placenta previa and my thyroid.

I don’t like going to EVMS, it’s just not my favorite place and God knows that.  I say He knows that because we were given a blessing as we rode up the elevator today.  An elderly lady said, as the elevator stopped and we stepped off, “I sure hope that baby brings you nothing but blessings.  In fact, in the name of Jesus, I claim that this baby will be blessed.  In the name of Jesus.”

I thanked her as the doors closed and then I thanked the Lord because that blessing meant the world to me as I went into the waiting room of the place where I found out that Baby B had died.

We waited forever and ever and it was finally our turn.  The baby looked great, wiggling away and just giving such a strong impression of strength.  Organs were where they were supposed to be, measurements are spot on…and yes, the ultrasound lady said, yes, we can tell what the baby is.

A girl.

A fifth girl for our family of warrior women and we could not be more pleased.

We were quiet and surprised at first and I said to John, “Are you disappointed?”  And he said, “No way.  Absolutely not.  I’m just wondering what her name is.”

We both felt like the name Lydia, chosen weeks ago…just wasn’t this strong warrior baby’s name.

And so the name search begins for child number six, daughter number five, our grande finale.

And we claim that blessing over her life too.

Truth is Truth

I know a lot of truth, but sometimes my heart doesn’t believe me.

I know that God is good.
I know that God loves me.
I know that He has a plan for my life.
I know that He is outside of time and can see the end of the story.
I know that He will turn Every Single Thing around for good.

And sometimes, I know all of that in my head but it just doesn’t make it to my heart.  Disappointment, discouragement, depression…those things clog up my heart and make it hard for truth to seep in.  Those truths just marinate in my head while my heart is sick with worry and sadness.

It’s hard to figure out how to open a channel for those truths to trickle down…to stream into the heart.

Part of that is because feelings lie.  Circumstances lie.  Fear lies.

I’m struggling right now with getting my head truths into my heart.  I’m standing on those truths just the same, albeit with fear and trembling…because what else have I got?

My prayer today is that God will show me those truths in action.  That He will take the blinders off the eyes of my heart and help my heart to see that what He says is true.

Truth doesn’t change because of circumstance, after all.

I know the end of the story, I come up from the wilderness, leaning on my Beloved…

The End of Summer

I haven’t been writing at all.

I was released from bed rest a while ago and ever since then, I just have been on the go and doing life and trying to catch up on all of the things I missed while the summer passed me by.

The facts are these:  My hemorrhage has not cleared up.  I am still bleeding.  In fact, we’re on day 66 of bleeding.  I had two more big bleeds just a week and a half ago.  I am however past the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage has gone down.  And, because I’m now expecting to welcome only one baby, that one baby has a better shot of surviving this crazy complicated pregnancy than the two did.  And my bleeding didn’t stop with bed rest anyway.  So, I’m up…I’m still careful about lifting and exertion.  I’m dying to steam clean the carpets, but I’m not going to.  I have Claire walk every where instead of carrying her.  I have her climb into the car (which she loves anyway) on her own.  So far, so good.

And it’s been good to be part of the land of the living again.  I missed my life.

Since my liberation, we’ve gone to the playground, Target, Plaza Azteca, Riverside Hopsital to meet my new nephew, Maggie Moo’s, Wal-mart, the grocer store, my parents’ house, the Outer Banks and today we’re going to attempt Busch Gardens.  I have no stamina and I get really tired, but it’s good to be out and about.

We’re cramming a lot of summer into a little bit of time.

Sweetest little nephew.  We love him to pieces!

Beach vacation

I have about 400 more pictures, but I’ll spare you every detail of our vacation.  We had a really good time and we were all so glad that we got to keep our OBX tradition going!

And now for a moment of soul bare honesty.  I almost didn’t share this with you…and it’s a lot of why I haven’t been writing.  Yes, I’ve been busy, but we find the time to do what we really want to do, don’t we?  So…here it is.  I’m struggling hard with anxiety right now.  I think maybe it all compounded and sort of fell on me at once when I was allowed to get on with my life.  My focus is no longer staying pregnant, staying pregnant, staying pregnant.  My doctor basically said, “If’ it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.”  For some reason, going back to life has made me feel all the more like IT will happen.  (Losing the other baby.)  I feel very superstitious about getting excited about the ultrasound next week that’ll tell us boy or girl. It’s hard for me to make plans that have anything to do with the baby.  I can’t breathe everyday until I feel little baby taps that could just as easily be gas at 15 weeks.

And I worry endlessly about everyone else too.  Julia and Aubrey are learning to drive.  Whoa, I am worried!  Kids have plans that don’t include me- will they be safe?  Will they be okay?  Kindergarten is coming up.  Will Lila do all right?  Will Claire miss her too much all day?  Worry, worry, worry.

I don’t want the worry, but I’m having a hard time getting rid of it.  All the worry in the world won’t change outcomes.  And I know that.

I think I’ve been forgetting about surrender.  I think I’ve been forgetting about thankfulness.

But now I remember and now I’ve told you and confession is good.

And next Friday, we’ll know if our baby is a boy or a girl and that will be a big milestone reached.

Will you pray with me and for me?  Will you pray that I remember surrender?  That I remember thankfulness?  Can you share a time when you practiced surrender and thankfulness?