I haven’t been writing at all.
I was released from bed rest a while ago and ever since then, I just have been on the go and doing life and trying to catch up on all of the things I missed while the summer passed me by.
The facts are these: My hemorrhage has not cleared up. I am still bleeding. In fact, we’re on day 66 of bleeding. I had two more big bleeds just a week and a half ago. I am however past the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage has gone down. And, because I’m now expecting to welcome only one baby, that one baby has a better shot of surviving this crazy complicated pregnancy than the two did. And my bleeding didn’t stop with bed rest anyway. So, I’m up…I’m still careful about lifting and exertion. I’m dying to steam clean the carpets, but I’m not going to. I have Claire walk every where instead of carrying her. I have her climb into the car (which she loves anyway) on her own. So far, so good.
And it’s been good to be part of the land of the living again. I missed my life.
Since my liberation, we’ve gone to the playground, Target, Plaza Azteca, Riverside Hopsital to meet my new nephew, Maggie Moo’s, Wal-mart, the grocer store, my parents’ house, the Outer Banks and today we’re going to attempt Busch Gardens. I have no stamina and I get really tired, but it’s good to be out and about.
We’re cramming a lot of summer into a little bit of time.
Sweetest little nephew. We love him to pieces!
I have about 400 more pictures, but I’ll spare you every detail of our vacation. We had a really good time and we were all so glad that we got to keep our OBX tradition going!
And now for a moment of soul bare honesty. I almost didn’t share this with you…and it’s a lot of why I haven’t been writing. Yes, I’ve been busy, but we find the time to do what we really want to do, don’t we? So…here it is. I’m struggling hard with anxiety right now. I think maybe it all compounded and sort of fell on me at once when I was allowed to get on with my life. My focus is no longer staying pregnant, staying pregnant, staying pregnant. My doctor basically said, “If’ it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.” For some reason, going back to life has made me feel all the more like IT will happen. (Losing the other baby.) I feel very superstitious about getting excited about the ultrasound next week that’ll tell us boy or girl. It’s hard for me to make plans that have anything to do with the baby. I can’t breathe everyday until I feel little baby taps that could just as easily be gas at 15 weeks.
And I worry endlessly about everyone else too. Julia and Aubrey are learning to drive. Whoa, I am worried! Kids have plans that don’t include me- will they be safe? Will they be okay? Kindergarten is coming up. Will Lila do all right? Will Claire miss her too much all day? Worry, worry, worry.
I don’t want the worry, but I’m having a hard time getting rid of it. All the worry in the world won’t change outcomes. And I know that.
I think I’ve been forgetting about surrender. I think I’ve been forgetting about thankfulness.
But now I remember and now I’ve told you and confession is good.
And next Friday, we’ll know if our baby is a boy or a girl and that will be a big milestone reached.
Will you pray with me and for me? Will you pray that I remember surrender? That I remember thankfulness? Can you share a time when you practiced surrender and thankfulness?