The End of Summer

I haven’t been writing at all.

I was released from bed rest a while ago and ever since then, I just have been on the go and doing life and trying to catch up on all of the things I missed while the summer passed me by.

The facts are these:  My hemorrhage has not cleared up.  I am still bleeding.  In fact, we’re on day 66 of bleeding.  I had two more big bleeds just a week and a half ago.  I am however past the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage has gone down.  And, because I’m now expecting to welcome only one baby, that one baby has a better shot of surviving this crazy complicated pregnancy than the two did.  And my bleeding didn’t stop with bed rest anyway.  So, I’m up…I’m still careful about lifting and exertion.  I’m dying to steam clean the carpets, but I’m not going to.  I have Claire walk every where instead of carrying her.  I have her climb into the car (which she loves anyway) on her own.  So far, so good.

And it’s been good to be part of the land of the living again.  I missed my life.

Since my liberation, we’ve gone to the playground, Target, Plaza Azteca, Riverside Hopsital to meet my new nephew, Maggie Moo’s, Wal-mart, the grocer store, my parents’ house, the Outer Banks and today we’re going to attempt Busch Gardens.  I have no stamina and I get really tired, but it’s good to be out and about.

We’re cramming a lot of summer into a little bit of time.

Sweetest little nephew.  We love him to pieces!

Beach vacation

I have about 400 more pictures, but I’ll spare you every detail of our vacation.  We had a really good time and we were all so glad that we got to keep our OBX tradition going!

And now for a moment of soul bare honesty.  I almost didn’t share this with you…and it’s a lot of why I haven’t been writing.  Yes, I’ve been busy, but we find the time to do what we really want to do, don’t we?  So…here it is.  I’m struggling hard with anxiety right now.  I think maybe it all compounded and sort of fell on me at once when I was allowed to get on with my life.  My focus is no longer staying pregnant, staying pregnant, staying pregnant.  My doctor basically said, “If’ it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.”  For some reason, going back to life has made me feel all the more like IT will happen.  (Losing the other baby.)  I feel very superstitious about getting excited about the ultrasound next week that’ll tell us boy or girl. It’s hard for me to make plans that have anything to do with the baby.  I can’t breathe everyday until I feel little baby taps that could just as easily be gas at 15 weeks.

And I worry endlessly about everyone else too.  Julia and Aubrey are learning to drive.  Whoa, I am worried!  Kids have plans that don’t include me- will they be safe?  Will they be okay?  Kindergarten is coming up.  Will Lila do all right?  Will Claire miss her too much all day?  Worry, worry, worry.

I don’t want the worry, but I’m having a hard time getting rid of it.  All the worry in the world won’t change outcomes.  And I know that.

I think I’ve been forgetting about surrender.  I think I’ve been forgetting about thankfulness.

But now I remember and now I’ve told you and confession is good.

And next Friday, we’ll know if our baby is a boy or a girl and that will be a big milestone reached.

Will you pray with me and for me?  Will you pray that I remember surrender?  That I remember thankfulness?  Can you share a time when you practiced surrender and thankfulness?

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6 thoughts on “The End of Summer

  1. Teeny Emerson says:

    My surrender and thankfulness was very evident during Bethany’s crisis situations and your divorce. I had no choice but to surrender to Him all my scarediness about every single thing that was going wrong with my precious children, and the best part was the thankfulness after He made everything go all right. You are a mom. Mom’s worry, and you need to be less hard on yourself. You are human. You are fabulous. I love you, but most importantly, God loves you more than imaginable with our human minds. You are wonderful just the way you are. God thinks you are terrific and so do I!

  2. anne says:

    As someone who has had great struggles with anxiety I know what it is like. And as a Christ follower you add guilt (for not having faith) onto the almost unbearable feelings of anxiety, but sweetie He knows that we are but flesh. He understands the place that you are in and you are correct….surrender is the only place of peace (easier said than done). I know He will carry you in these days.

    As an answer to your question…yes I will pray for you!

  3. Bernadette says:

    I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t give me the one thing I dreamed of most of my life After my third pregnancy loss, I finally surrendered my desire to God. One month later I was pregnant again. It worked. 13 years later I’m still thankfull, though it’s much harder than I ever could have imagined.

  4. Jeanette says:

    I’m having anxiety right now and I wish I could just make it go away…poof…make it disappear. My son broke his arm very badly last night and might need surgery. We were at football practice and there is a playground that the little one’s play on…it started sprinkling and he jumped for the monkey bars (he’s never has done that before) and slipped and fell…bad. I’m feeling extreme guilt…and why’s. Isaac is my son who has been hospitilized a great deal and been medically through more than any adult I know and he’s 4. So I’m sitting here having why’s going through me. Why didn’t I get him off the playground when it started sprinkling? Why wasn’t I standing right there next to him? Why does this have to happen to him? Why did he have to be sedated last night? Why did he have to go through so much pain…again? Why couldn’t it be just a normal break? Why another IV? This isn’ fair that he might need another surgery…why, why, why? Told you…I’m full of them right now. Then I’m telling myself to slow down my brain…be thankful and give this situation to God. All I can do is trust in God…all I can ever do is trust in God. I haven’t completely done it yet with this situation because my brain is fighting me…my brain can think of 101 thoughts in 1.1 second…seriously. But I’m glad that we have free will and because of that we have our difficulties in controling our brains but at least we have God to help us through it. I can’t imagine if I didn’t have God to pray to last night and to lean on…even when I have anxiety going through me he’s still there…maybe not on the front of my non-stop brain but he’s there trying to ease my brain. So glad that He’s there for all of us. I’ll be praying for you Chris and thank you for giving me a place to just let this out…I try to keep a “game” face all the time but sometimes it’s good to just let it out and you just showed me that. It’s not a weakness it’s reality but through whatever situation and every feeling (including anxiety) He is still there. Prayers going up for you Chris.

  5. Jeanette says:

    Just to clarify Isaac has been hospitilized so much because of a birth defect he was born with not because of accidents like this one. I just wanted to clarify (because obviously I’m anxious and thinking everyone will think the worse of me…;)

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