Twenty one weeks today and that means more than halfway done but not yet to viability.
And while I know that things are better and that Nora’s chances are much, much, much higher than they were before, I still sometimes feel afraid. A cramp here, a twinge there, a moment of spotting can send me into a panic.
Between those stressors and other stressors and just the physical strain of pregnancy at the door of forty…sometimes I have to fight to keep depression out. Sometimes though, God gives me a little, “Hey, pay attention!” and things like this happen and I just have to laugh…just as often.
It comes down to this: What am I looking for? Things to be sad, angry, hurt, disappointed or irritated by? Or am I looking for the gifts- gifts in a laughing almost two year old as she steals my coffee. Gifts in a five year old bounding off of the school bus and saying, “That day flew by!” Gifts in growing up girls who are brimming with life and zeal and enthusiasm, in love with God and life and their friends.
There is so much good.
And I was thinking about my friend Jen who was with her son at CHKD this week and how she finds the beauty and grace in every day. How she finds the beauty and grace in her suffering, in her son’s suffering. How she just knows that God is holding her and her family. She wakes up each day, clothed with strength and dignity, she goes looking for those new mercies every morning and even though it’s sometimes hard…she refuses to believe that God is anything less than good.
She’s not afraid to say that life is sometimes so hard but God is always so good. She’s not afraid to say that no matter what, when He gives or takes away, HE IS GOOD. And some days, I think Jen must have to look pretty hard because her day is filled with caring for a little boy who suffers. And he was once a little boy filled with boundless energy who was into everything and brimming with personality. (He is still brimming with personality, but he’s different now.) I think she must have to really seek the Lord, His presence and His gifts but because she seeks them…she finds them.
She does not view her life through a filter of grief, but a filter of grace. I love her. I love Silas. They are world changers.
I want to change my filter. Not a filter of fear and worry, but a filter of grace.
If you want to learn more about Silas and Jen, please go to Caring Bridge and type in Silas Cameron.