Last night I stood in my bathroom after my shower, scrubbing at graying remnants of surgical tape from my most recent hospital stay. I thought about scars and how some scars you can see and some you can’t.
I have scars. Surgical scars. Scars from the sheath that went into my femoral artery. Scars from my central line. I have scars you can’t see too. Scars from almost losing my life. Scars from hearing the ones who love me talk about the pain of almost losing me. Scars from fear after fear. Scars from bearing a tiny 2lb. 14oz. baby, eleven weeks early. Scars from being away from my family most of the last month. Scars from near constant pain since November 18…
And I think about Jesus and I think about restoration and how He loves to redeem. I don’t want to go through this hard, hard thing and not learn. I don’t want to go through this surreal season and not change. I don’t want to miss the refinement that He is sure to do if I remain open and shun bitterness.
And I do! I don’t want bitterness. I’m not angry, I’m not what iffy. I’m raw and I’m emotional but I’m in love with my life and my people and God has stood with me again in the center of the flame. And this was a big flame.
I don’t want to waste the opportunity for God to use this for good. He will, His word says He will. But I think we shut Him down sometimes. We get angry and bitter at our circumstances and we miss the good He has to offer.
This morning I wake thankful. Thankful for the daughter that has taken on responsibilities beyond what a twenty year old should have to take on. Thankful for her happy heart as she serves her family. Thankful for a second daughter, who laughs with me and does her fair share too. Thankful for the sister that could run the world, given the chance. Thankful for my husband who understands what loving his wife and children like Christ loved the church means. Thankful for my three little girls, Lila, Claire and Nora. Thankful for reading stories to my little ones and watching the lights on the Christmas tree flicker and coffee with my sister and Julia and every other good gift that My Beloved bestows on me.
I’m so thankful.
And so, I shuffle because I have pain and I’m tired and run down with anemia from all the blood transfusions. I get nauseated easily. I fall asleep at odd times. I cry almost all day. (The good kind, usually.) I’m fragile and battle worn but I. Am. Here. I am loved. I am blessed. I am thankful. And I am changed.