Because sometimes, that’s just how it is.
Post partum days can be rough. There’s so much to think about because here is our newborn. A new life in the world that is filled with promise that WE have been entrusted with. A gift, really, a scary, terrifying, beautiful gift. We hold it in our hands. We decide the best way to love and nurture this tiny, amazing, beautiful little bundle into a well adjusted adult who makes the world better. We take this tiny little person of eternal significance and what we do has a huge impact on who they are going to be. This little world changer…asleep on my chest, oblivious to all that is ahead.
Add all that responsibility to sleep deprivation and exhaustion and hormones gone wild and you wind up with some version of the post partum crazies. Sometimes, it’s worse than other times. Especially after a scary birth or after failed attempts at nursing or after, perhaps, placenta accreta and a near death day.
I say to God, as these thoughts swirl and rise, “That’s kind of messed up, to give us these crazy hormones right at the name when we need the most strength.”
And God says, “Do you think so?”
I say I do.
He says, “My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
And I had one of those moments where things click. When do we reach for him the most? When things are glorious and life is easy? No, when it’s hard and we need help.
New mommas need help.
That hormone drop, that ushering in of post partum vulnerability and emotions right there on the surface is not a curse but a blessing. He is able to help most those who surrender fullest. At rock bottom, we surrender fully.
And what other time in life do we feel this raw, naked, intense love and fierce devotion than in those days of wonder, the newborn days. The days when we stare at our little world-changer and marvel at her fingernails, trace the swirl of hair on the back of his head, breathe in her scent, glory in his warm weight….so small but so vital now to our life. The fullness of those emotions come from that same place of weakness, of vulnerability.
So maybe it’s not necessarily a bad thing but just a good, part of life thing that we become raw, overly emotional, vulnerable right here at the time when our lives are forever changed. Maybe it’s not a bad thing at all.
My perspective on Big Life Things has changed since November 18th. I still don’t like going through the hard stuff, but I am seeing value in it in a way I never have before. Before, I may have thought, “Why, God, why?” but now I think, “God, don’t let me miss what you’re doing.”
Because what I know is this:
The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.
The Lord is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
Psalm 145 8-9
And what I know is this:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
What I know about God is that He restores. I’ve seen it in my own life, non stop for forty years. Any time anything has been taken for me or an offense has come against me, God has restored the broken places. He has given new things, new mercies, new days. He has redeemed things that were meant for my harm.
I have to stand on that.
So, as John and I talked last night about how God has been equipping us both…equipping us for who knows what, but equipping us just the same…I realized that I’m in the process of refinement. Ever since my table fell down in January 2012, God has been working on my heart extra hard, removing things that have plagued me since forever.
I’m hoping to give Anxiety the old heave ho, once and for all.
He means good for me, not harm.