I always thought that by forty, I’d have it all figured out. That I’d have my life in order, know what I was doing and even maybe be at least a little bit like that Proverbs 31 Lady. (She makes me tired.)
Instead, I’m still me. Still broken, still fumbling through life, still making mistakes and falling down and getting back up again. I’m finding out that I’m not strong, I’m weak and GOD is strong. I’m finding out that life is filled with good gifts and they don’t always look like we thought they would. I’m finding out that Big Life Stuff, Hard Things, Trials and Tribulations end up being loaded with beauty and good gifts.
This does not make me unafraid. But it gives me peace. Sometimes.
I always thought that by forty, by the halfway mark…I’d maybe have it all figured out. But year one of my forties is just a few days from being over and I’m just as clueless and bumbling as ever.
But that’s okay.
I don’t know much of anything.
I know I’m poor in Spirit. I know that I’m just now learning how to really acknowledge my needs. I know that it’s okay if I don’t have the mysteries of the universe figured out. I know that it’s okay to say Forget Silver Linings and just be in the guts and gore of the moment. Sometimes, things just suck. Sometimes, we need the freedom to say that things just suck.
Sometimes, things just really, really suck.
I think Christians have convinced themselves that we can’t be honest about stuff. That somehow God’s goodness will be diminished because we recognize the awfulness of a situation.
But that’s silly, isn’t it?
There is nothing we can do to make God change. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more or to make God love us less. He knows that sometimes our circumstances really, really suck.
I want to suggest that maybe He really wants us to speak the truth about our circumstances. Unload. Let it all out. Release. Be true to where we are.
We are all broken. We are all beautiful. We are all loved. We are all redeemed.
We need to give ourselves permission to just be where we are. We need to stand with our friends through their storms and just stand. Sometimes there is nothing more to do than just be. Sometimes there is nothing to fix, there is only a storm to be weathered.
It’s okay for us to be broken and to be where we are. It’s okay for us to still be figuring it out. It’s okay for us to be sad or wounded or needy or hurt.
Of course I’m not saying to stop counting your blessings. I’m not saying to forget gratitude. I’m not saying to stop offering praise. I’m just saying that we need to also acknowledge our needs. I’m saying we must give ourselves space for our hurts. I’m saying we whisper those words of gratitude in the midst of broken hearts and tears.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We can be hurting and thankful. We can be broken and blessed. We can be lonely and loved. We can be where we are.