I’ve been stuck in bed with the real live flu since Saturday.
It has been a big reminder of way back when, when I was so sick in the hospital after Nora was born. That fevered, frantic feeling that I’ll never Be Well Again! That horrible stomach churning nausea and then the chills that shake my bones and the sweats that melt me down. Aches, pains, and loads of time to think…
And through it all, a Still Small Voice has reminded me that nothing is by accident and that I ought to consider that this time, this time of quarantine and cocooning could just be a divine appointment.
I’ve filled 15 pages in my brand new Christmas journal, joyously and tearfully filling every inch of the page with colorful ink, honest thoughts, heart deep prayers and feeling, feelings, feelings. I’ve logged about 4 to 8 hours of International House of Prayer live feed every day. I’ve listened to loads of music that stirs my soul. I’ve spoken down deep and true to the One who holds my heart.
And I do call it good. Even though there has been suffering in it.
He has written new old words on my heart.
LOOK. New things have come. New things are coming. I feel it in my soul and spirit, that He is doing a new thing and here is the Word that says it is so. All those old things that have fettered my Inner Me to the ground, that have held my heart in bondage…those old things go away and LOOK! New things come.
I don’t know what that will look like or what it will mean. But I know that it is true.
I know that the Depth of my heart and soul cries out to the Depths of His heart and soul. I know that the Depth of His heart and soul cry out to the Depth of my heart and soul. He longs for the deepest parts of me and even when I resist, my soul longs for the deepest parts of Him. Because I was made, because I am made to love Him and know Him. This sang so strong in me, a Scripture I’ve read countless times and a Scripture I’ve sung out over and over. But it sinks in this week, in the midst of sickness and vulnerability, my open heart is soft.
It is okay to need help. It is okay to tell Him the truth. I believe…and my heart struggles to believe. I Know Truth. I can quote truth, I can speak truth, I can live truth. And my heart struggles to believe. But nothing is impossible for Him and He can handle my need. I utter this prayer and feel no shame in it. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” Because both things, the belief and the unbelief, can be true at the same time. And I am not too much for God.
This is only the tiniest corner of a small piece of what God has been doing in my heart as I lie in the bed, grumpy and miserable.
I write in my Gratitude Journal. I write down my graces, my blessings, my gifts. I am thankful for this time, even while being quite put out over having the flu. I am thankful for the Diving Meetings, even while cranky and unwell. I am thankful for His presence all in this room, even while I miss my husband and my kids and my LIFE. He gives what is needed at the appointed time. Not too early and not too late. At the appointed time.