I have six one month old chickens.
I love them. They are like therapy animals for me. I know. I’m weird. I’m okay with it.
I took them outside for the very first time the other day. They huddled together, moved in a cluster, hid under a bush…but eventually began to scratch and peck and explore.
It came time to bring them back in. Time to go home to their brooder.
I called them by saying: “Chick-chick-chick-chick” which is what I always do when I feed them. I’ve been saying this to them since they first arrived so that they will know my voice and know that good things come with my voice.
They amazed me by coming to me when I called them.
But they wouldn’t let me catch them. As soon as my hands got close, they scooted away.
I called them again. They came towards me…they ran off.
The shelter of the bush felt more secure to them than being held in my hands.
It took close to an hour to catch all six and return them to their nice safe brooder.
The next morning…I sat and talked with a friend about my journey to figure out how to function in this fibromyalgia autoimmune stage of my life.
“I really think God is wanting to use it to slow me down.” I said. And as the day went on, I thought more and more about how I feel about slowing down.
I fight it.
I struggle against it.
I fear it.
I’m like my silly little chickens. I come, hearing His voice, but shy away when it comes time to surrender and just be in His hands.
I fight and I struggle because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what slowing down will mean for my value and my worth in this life. I’m afraid that if I slow down, I will miss out on life and experiences and that I will be forgotten and left behind. I’m afraid that if I slow down…this disease will win and take over completely. I’m afraid that if I slow down, I will be seen as weak, that I will BE weak. I don’t want to be weak.
There it is.
I know, I know, I KNOW…His strength is made perfect in my weakness. And I know…I know…that through trials, He is near and He does not let it go to waste. And I know that I must surrender to have breakthrough….And I know that my worth is not tied up in what I can do but in who I am in Him. And I know that God will give me mercies enough to get through this. And I know that sometimes He heals illnesses instantly and that sometimes it’s a process and that sometimes healing does not come until heaven.
Surrender is hard.
So that is where I am. I’m a little chicken afraid to surrender to the Master’s hand. Afraid to trust those hands to take me to safety. Afraid to settle in and just receive this season of rest.
I will start here though, ready to take the next step and go to the next place, the next season. Begin to trust even though I’m afraid.