On Monday, I basically had a nervous breakdown.
I just need to tell you, adoption is NOT for the faint of heart.
Things were very shaky on Monday and we were scared. Really, really scared that we had failed miserably and the whole thing was going to fall apart. More scared than people who belong to the Most High God really ought to be.
But we are just people. And He knows that. He knew who I was when the plan was made to spend eternity with me, He knew who I was when He died on the cross for me.
Monday scared me. Because what if we failed her? What if we did things wrong and we didn’t get to her? What if we cost her a hope and a future?
We asked for prayer, we asked for good thoughts, we asked for advice. We hustled with paperwork and phone calls and FedEx and emails to Eastern Europe, to Maryland, to Richmond.
Please Jesus…don’t let us get in the ways of your plans.
So many prayed and so many hustled along side of us and we figured out what will most likely be a solution- a letter that will give us one more month to get it all done. Please Jesus, have mercy.
Other adoptive moms spoke into my ears and into my heart:
Keep wrestling til you see the blessing.
The Lord is fighting for you. He is above, beside and behind.
You can do it. Just keep swimming!
This IS scary, but if you look at all the warriors in scripture, they had NO time. They were NOT prepared. They had NOTHING to offer. Most of them even looked stupid. How many times did they march around Jericho…really?
Take a second to look back at your situation. Do you see God working? Do you see the enemy getting mad? Do you see the enemy’s plans of destruction? Gods plans CANNOT be thwarted!!
Do you believe God called you specifically to Sylvie? Yes? Then that’s the answer. You keep going, you focus on THAT reality and not on the what ifs…They aren’t coming from you, they aren’t coming from God.
Here is what I know. God is not surprised by this. And He is not restricted by timelines or deadlines. And when it all seems impossible, all the more probable that God has a miracle up His sleeve.
We are praying her home.
And then someone gave me an old Testament story from 2 Samuel 23.
9Next to him was Eleazar son of Dodai the Ahohite. As one of the three mighty warriors, he was with David when they taunted the Philistines gathered at Pas Dammimd for battle. Then the Israelites retreated, 10but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. The Lord brought about a great victory that day.
Yes. Freeze my hand to the sword, Lord as I fight. The anxiety, the fear, it ebbed away and in its place was this surety that it wasn’t really up to me. It might not turn out all right. It might be more amazing than we can even imagine. It’s going to go how it’s going to go and that has nothing to do with me. I am not in control, but I will fight the fight that is before me and I will trust His will to be done. I will trust God in this fight.
So, I breathe again. I dry my tears and seek the One who holds everything together. I renounce fear, I ask for new mercies and they are freely given.
We ask for prayer and it is lavished on us, on Sylvie.
We ask for a solution and possibilities rise up.
We sleep and it seems less desperate the next morning.
“Redemption is costly,” says John and he is right.
Redemption is costly. It is worthy. But it is costly.