See. Poor Me.

Last night, I dreamt that I got out of bed, made a pie, swept and mopped, cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed.

This morning, after a night of fitful, insomniac sleep, I awoke with a headache and my joints screeching.  I have to admit to feeling a bit downhearted too.

I’ve been trying so hard to remain positive.  But I think Discouragement and Poor Me leaned ladders against the window and climbed right in while I was sleeping.  They brought with them a migraine and joint pain and the feeling that all of this could just be futile.

When I called the doctor’s office this morning to make sure of my appointment on the 29th and to ask a couple of questions, she said, among many other things, “Remember, at this point in the pregnancy…there’s not much we can do but wait.” and   “Remember, on the 29th, they may just say to continue doing what you’re doing.”  And Discouragement just nodded her head in hateful agreement and even reminded me of all the sad stories I’d read a couple of days before.

Discouragement reminded me of the cost of all this to my family…little girls only able to “visit” their mother.  Big girls fending for themselves.  A son who I haven’t seen in a week and won’t see this weekend either.  No vacation.  My husband working so hard to keep all the balls in the air.

I can’t do anything but lay here.

Poor Me nods sympathetically.

And I want to fight them but this fight is not very much fun and anyway I don’t feel very qualified.  I just want to get up and clean the bathroom, do the laundry, push my kids on the swing.  I want to hang out with the teens and make them some popcorn and actually leave the house.  Heck, I want to just go downstairs.

See.  Poor Me.

This morning I read the status update of a friend I don’t know well but who’s faith inspires me.  She is due to get married in September.  Her house is on the market and she and her husband to be have chosen a new home to begin their life together in.  All of a sudden, in the eleventh hour, her buyer backed out.  So, they had to let the contract on their dream home go.  And she is not dismayed or discouraged.  She simply said she felt peace and she was waiting expectantly for what God was going to do next.

I want that.  He is giving me a peace over this whole situation.  He is even showing me purpose in my letting go of control and expectation and asking for help.  But I struggle with keeping my head up.  It’s an effort to keep a positive attitude.  It’s an effort to not sink in to Discouragement and Poor Me’s words.  A mighty effort.

So, this morning, I failed a little.

Luckily, I can start over.

I’m going to go and take a shower and then I’m going to take a nap.  When I wake up, I’m going to meditate some more on Psalm 20 and then I’m going to wait expectantly on the Lord.

He is the giver of good gifts, like this one.

And like this one too…with all that it has brought with it…

And He stands with me in this.  He’s not going to forget about us.

Psalm 20

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.[b]
May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy over your victory
and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

Now this I know:
The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
with the victorious power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
Lord, give victory to the king!
Answer us when we call!

No Sulking Here

I am decidedly NOT sulking.

It’s a conscious choice.

I’m also NOT stressing.

It’s another conscious choice.

I’m not worried about Thing One and Thing Two.  They looked so good on Thursday and the hemorrhage is not actually a huge threat to them…if I follow these bed rest rules.  The things that threaten me with worry are these:
-Is the house going to fall to ruin?
-Is this just too much work for John? Is HE going to be stressed out?
-Is Aubrey going to have a crappy summer?
-Are the little girls too bored?
-Will I ever come up with a second boy name? (I think the answer to this one is probably no.)

These are the things that I think about while I rest in my bed.  Claire seems unfazed.  She brings me books to read and climbs all over me like it’s not the least bit unusual that I’m still in bed.  Lila brings in boxes of plastic animals and sets up villages on the floor.  Aubrey, Julia and Deanna visit me daily, sitting on the edge of my bed and telling me all about their days.  Everyone is coping Just Fine.

John is doing an admirable job managing the house and the little kids, though he’s said more than once, “I don’t know how you do this.”  But he’s doing it!

We’ve been blessed by community.  Friends to bring meals to feed my sheep and me and to take a little bit of the work load from John.  Mom, Dad, Sister and Nieces all came to see me yesterday and the rest of the week promises more visitors.

Apart from a  brief respite on Sunday that resulted in a relapse of bleeding…I’ve been in bed since Thursday last week.  That’s six days, with ten to go.  I am praying that the SBH is healing and will be completely gone by the time I go in on the 29th.  Praying and praying.  I want to do all the fun things we planned to do this summer.

In the meantime, I keep my eyes on the goal.  I read through the name book.  I pray.  I watch Netflix and check Facebook to see what people who are NOT on bed rest are doing.  I try to imagine what it’ll be like to have twins.  I don’t sleep because it’s impossible to sleep for long when you’re just in the bed all the time.

I’ve finished “Arrested Development” and need a new series to watch.  I tend towards the fun and light hearted and away from the serious or stressful.  Any suggestions?


Happy Wedding Day, Kristin…from my couch

Today, for the sake of the new, tiny, growing babies, I must stay home and rest…just like I’ve been doing for the past couple of days.

I’m getting a little stir crazy and a lot bored and I’m working hard at remembering thankfulness and contentment.  I’ve gotten a restraining order against Poor Me and Discouragement.  I can do this.

I’ve done bed rest before.  When I was pregnant with Julia, almost two decades ago…bed rest for three weeks towards the end.  I survived!  When I was pregnant with Lila, five years ago, bed rest for almost two months, when you added it all up.  It began around 19 weeks and came on with a vengeance at 29 weeks.

This is just for a few days and will be totally worth it.  Luckily there are still like twenty episodes of “Arrested Devolopment” for me to watch.

But the sad thing about today is…I’m missing Kristin’s wedding.  My family will go on without me and they will take pictures for me but it’s just not the same.  I mean, I love “Arrested Development”  but I love Kristin a lot more!

So, from my couch and from my bed, I give thanks to the Lord for Kristin and Drew and for what I am sure will be a glorious wedding.  I give thanks for my family, who will be in attendance.  I give thanks for the pictures I’ll have to see later.

I thank the Lord for my two new babies and thank Him for the healing work He is doing.

There’s more to be thankful for than to be sad about, really.  And of course, there will be a video for me to see!

Kristin, I love you! And I know today will be a beautiful day!  I’m so happy for you and Drew!!!