Last night, I dreamt that I got out of bed, made a pie, swept and mopped, cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed.
This morning, after a night of fitful, insomniac sleep, I awoke with a headache and my joints screeching. I have to admit to feeling a bit downhearted too.
I’ve been trying so hard to remain positive. But I think Discouragement and Poor Me leaned ladders against the window and climbed right in while I was sleeping. They brought with them a migraine and joint pain and the feeling that all of this could just be futile.
When I called the doctor’s office this morning to make sure of my appointment on the 29th and to ask a couple of questions, she said, among many other things, “Remember, at this point in the pregnancy…there’s not much we can do but wait.” and “Remember, on the 29th, they may just say to continue doing what you’re doing.” And Discouragement just nodded her head in hateful agreement and even reminded me of all the sad stories I’d read a couple of days before.
Discouragement reminded me of the cost of all this to my family…little girls only able to “visit” their mother. Big girls fending for themselves. A son who I haven’t seen in a week and won’t see this weekend either. No vacation. My husband working so hard to keep all the balls in the air.
I can’t do anything but lay here.
Poor Me nods sympathetically.
And I want to fight them but this fight is not very much fun and anyway I don’t feel very qualified. I just want to get up and clean the bathroom, do the laundry, push my kids on the swing. I want to hang out with the teens and make them some popcorn and actually leave the house. Heck, I want to just go downstairs.
See. Poor Me.
This morning I read the status update of a friend I don’t know well but who’s faith inspires me. She is due to get married in September. Her house is on the market and she and her husband to be have chosen a new home to begin their life together in. All of a sudden, in the eleventh hour, her buyer backed out. So, they had to let the contract on their dream home go. And she is not dismayed or discouraged. She simply said she felt peace and she was waiting expectantly for what God was going to do next.
I want that. He is giving me a peace over this whole situation. He is even showing me purpose in my letting go of control and expectation and asking for help. But I struggle with keeping my head up. It’s an effort to keep a positive attitude. It’s an effort to not sink in to Discouragement and Poor Me’s words. A mighty effort.
So, this morning, I failed a little.
Luckily, I can start over.
I’m going to go and take a shower and then I’m going to take a nap. When I wake up, I’m going to meditate some more on Psalm 20 and then I’m going to wait expectantly on the Lord.
He is the giver of good gifts, like this one.
And like this one too…with all that it has brought with it…
And He stands with me in this. He’s not going to forget about us.
May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.[b]
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
5 May we shout for joy over your victory
and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
6 Now this I know:
The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
with the victorious power of his right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
9 Lord, give victory to the king!
Answer us when we call!